George S. Kaufman once wrote a piece for the New Yorker titled "Annoy Kaufman, Inc." In it, he claimed that an organization by that name existed for the sole purpose of–well, annoying Kaufman. I make no such claims. I know the idiots who cross my path every day are not that organized. They’re not smart enough. I’m just the victim of all of the fools out there who don’t know The Rules. So I will list them here as they occur to me. Check back often, because there are so many things that merit complaint…

Shopping, Hypothetically Speaking

When I can’t find a particular item in a store and ask an employee if they indeed carry the item, I’m often told something like "If we have it, it would be in Aisle 7." Store clerks please take notice: I am not asking a rhetorical question. I’m not interested in where the thing would be kept if it was in stock, I want to know if it is in stock and if so, where the hell is it?

Backpacks

If you’re out of college, unless you have a job as a Forest Ranger on the Appallachian Trail, you should NOT be wearing one of these on your daily commute. Stop swinging that bag in my face, grow up, and get a briefcase.

Email

When you were a kid, did you ever put a message in a bottle and toss in into the ocean? Did anyone ever write back? I didn’t think so. Consider email to be like that bottle. You can toss it out onto the Ethereal Ocean and wait for a reply, but don’t count on it. What do you wind up doing half the time after you send it? You call the addressee up and ask them if they got your message. Do you see the irony here?

Guru

Gurus live in India, have long stringy hair, and wear saffron robes. They do not work in an office. So anyone who claims to have been a "guru" on their resume should be required to walk back and forth across hot coals to prove it. And any HR department that includes the word in a job title should only be permitted to hire an actual guru for the position.

Shaved Heads

Sometime in the last 10-15 years, all of the men suffering from male pattern baldness apparently held a secret conclave and decided they’d look better if they shaved their heads completely bald. Gentlemen, you were wrong. No hair style shared by Mussolini, Elmer Fudd, and one of the Three Stooges can be classified as attractive. And who are you fooling, really? We know you were going bald, you knew you were going bald—please, let’s have a little follicle frankness here. You were fated to suffer, as we were to snicker and sneer, so bring all those comb-overs back.

iPods

If you walk down the street listening to your iPod, paying no attention to what’s going on around you, cab drivers will be encouraged to swerve up onto the sidewalk and knock you down. Talking on a cell phone? They can then back up and do it again. If you’re also wearing sunglasses, delivery trucks may be substituted. If they’re aviator sunglasses, fire engines.